What determines our worth? Is it a person? A salary? Our size? Progress in life? Me? You? Or is it already pre-determined
, and nothing I do or do not do, choose or do not choose, can affect my worth, positively or negatively?
I’ve recently been forced to think a lot about this, both in work and in life. I’ve had to make some hard decisions – to settle for less than I think I’m worth, or to move forward without people, or jobs, or things, because I think I’m worth more.
Then, came the guilt. I don’t know if this is hard-wired into me, or if it’s something I’ve learned over time, but I can and will feel guilty about ANYTHING. The guilt came from feeling like I should be grateful and satisfied with what I have. With what is presented to me. The feeling that perhaps I have an over-inflated sense of what I deserve, and that I should stop wanting more. That maybe all the things and people I’ve walked away from or said no to were what I deserved, and that I should have been satisfied and grateful for them, instead of seeking more, or better, or different.
In my heart of hearts, I believe that we are worthy of whatever we truly, deeply desire. I believe we determine our value by what we demand of ourselves and the world around us. I believe that no one else can determine our value, as long as we don’t let them. Which, at the end of the day, means I am in charge of my value and worth. If I take the job that was offered, despite the fact that the salary they offered was insulting, I’m telling the universe that’s what I think I’m worth. If I stay in friendships or relationships where I feel undervalued or unloved, I am telling them (and the universe) that I believe that I deserve that treatment. WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US.
I struggle with how people see me. That’s where the guilt comes from. The little voice in my head saying “But what will they think of me when I tell them I turned down a job because the salary was insulting? I don’t have a job…they will think I’m an idiot for not taking it.” Or the voice that says “I don’t have many friends…you at least have friends, even though they treat you poorly. You should keep them.” Lets be clear – no one is actually saying these things to me, other than ME. I’m so busy judging myself, I can’t see reality anymore.
So, here I am. Saying it out loud. I am going to go after all the things I want in this life. I am worthy of them. And I’m willing to work to get them…but I’m not going to settle any more for less. I’m going to live MY life MY way…because it’s mine. And I want to look back at the end, and be amazed by who I was, what I accomplished, who I helped, who helped me, and the people with whom I’ve shared my world.
moving around the rocks 
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