Words Have Power

This one is pretty personal and “journal-y”. Proceed at your own risk. 

The things that people say to us with words or actions can imprint themselves on us, and change the course of our lives, forever changing the way we think or feel. These imprints are obviously both positive and negative – we are shaped in all ways by the world around us, by the people we encounter, and by what we do with what is given to us.

 The people that I’ve loved are the ones who have the greatest ability to imprint their words on my heart. I’d like to believe that those who love us wouldn’t hurt us, but the more I live and love, the more I find that to be a false, naive belief. Honestly? It seems like the people we love have the greatest power to hurt us BECAUSE we love them.

The words that I believe caused me the greatest harm, for the longest time were said to me by someone who said he loved me. He was the first man I ever loved. And the words he said to me have been carried with me since then. Nearly 20 years. I’ve never told him how his words destroyed me. How his words, said 20 years ago have gone on to be a constant stumbling block for me in all my relationships. That the legacy he left with me is one of pain.

My first love has had a lot of power over how I see myself, my beliefs about men, my beliefs about sex, and how I approach intimacy. He has been with me in each and every relationship, in each and every sexual encounter I’ve had…and not for good reasons.

He disapproved of my body. Maybe disapproved isn’t the right word…but my physicality was displeasing to him. And he chose to share that with me. And then, my fantastic, connecting brain turned his OPINIONS into FACTS.

1. Men will not love me because my body is imperfect.
2. Bodies are good and bad. Mine is bad.
3. Other people get to determine the quality of my body.
4. My body is what determines my worth. It’s imperfect/undesirable, so I am worthless.

 As our relationship continued (yes, we kept dating!) my brain made more connections.

1. Sex can replace love.
2. Men will sleep with you whether they find you attractive or not.
3. I don’t deserve to be loved, because I am imperfect…but I should settle for sex.
4. Sex is a commodity. It is what I have to offer, even if I’m you’re not attracted to my body…you’ll still f*** me.

And then when he ended it, these conclusions came:

1. If I were more attractive, he would have loved me.
2. I should have changed to please him.
3. I am unloveable.
4. Sex is all I have to offer.

He didn’t hand me the proverbial gun; I don’t blame him for the conclusions I’ve drawn, but he did hand me the ammunition. I do blame him for providing me with the words and actions that allowed me to draw these conclusions. My conclusions are my own…but his words and actions are his.

I know I am responsible for what I’ve done with what he gave…but what he gave was terrible, and I think that’s worth acknowledging – we are all responsible for our actions and choices.

For my part, I’ve worked, and will continue to work specifically on the connections I’ve drawn between love and sex, between my weight and the ability of others to love me, and on my own self worth.

Here’s what I’d like to be able to truly believe someday:

1. That I’m worthy of love, at any weight, in whatever body I have at the moment.
2. That love is much more that the physical bodies we carry around.
3. That sex is a beautiful thing that I share with someone who I completely trust, not something to be used to win someone’s love, or something to be used in place of love.
4.  That words have SO much power…we need to use them wisely. Kindly. With as much care as a loaded gun.