Round 2 – Down, But Not Knocked Out…and other random metaphors

I don’t want to weigh myself…but it must be done. I have to get back on the scale. I’ve been avoiding the evil bitch for a while…but in order to know the battle, I have to have a map, and that map has to have a starting point.

I’ve decided. I let this go for too long, and now I’m back in the weeds. So, it’s back to what worked – back to Weight Watchers.

I didn’t want to have to go back to Weight Watchers. I didn’t want to need to. But, I do need to. I need the guidance that the system provides me, I need the ease with which I get the information I need, I need the reminder of what “normal” eating really is. I need to get back in the habit of taking care of myself. (Thank you Ashlee, for reminding me that I could do this.)

I got off track. I have to let go of being mad at myself, and let go of feeling like a failure. All that does is make me want to curl up in a ball, and eat something. So, instead, I need to, as my wonderful friend Rocky reminded me, keep climbing. It is only when I stop choosing to climb that I have failed…and even then, I can still choose to start again. So, I stopped. For a while. And now, I’m ready to put on my shoes and get moving again.

The thing is, I’m not all the way down at the bottom of the mountain again. I’m further down than I’d like to be…but this is not starting over. This is starting again. And there are new players and new rules to the game…but I’m not starting over. I have knowledge, and history on my side. And I know I can do it.

Truth: I’m embarrassed. I know that I have no reason to be, but I am. I was SO proud of what I’d accomplished, and so sure that I was done; that I’d never be fat again, that I would never struggle with this again. I feel like I let down all the people who cheered for me and celebrated my success…even though I know that’s not the case.

The other truth is, I know that I am not alone. I know that I am not the only person who has ever lost a significant amount of weight, and then gained some of it back. I know I’m not the only one whose life circumstances changed, and they got lost for a bit. I also know that, no matter how much I don’t want to keep doing this, this is life. My life, at least. There will likely be events in my life in the future that will show themselves in my weight, because food is how I cope with the ups and downs of life. I’d love to say that I think I might someday conquer this one…but I think it’s more realistic to say that I see this particular demon, and I’m not going to throw things over it to hide it…but rather just accept that it’s in the ring with me, and continue to fight it every time it gets back up again. So, it’s up again. I’ve been ignoring it for a while – maybe I’m not going to do that again. It would have been easier to stop it earlier, as opposed to now. But regardless, I see the fighter, up again. It’s my job to get up too, and knock the fighter out. Again. And every time it gets up.

So, here we go again. Back in the ring. Fighting for me. Fighting for happiness. Fighting for health. All things worth fighting for.

 Yes, this is me, nearly 2 years ago. I will find her again, better than ever.

I want to Have a Mermaid Tail

Before you read this, please watch this video. The whole thing (you can spare 4 minutes). Go.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0tEcxLDDd4

Ok, so you’ve watched it, right? Well, when I watched it, it made me cry (I know, you’re shocked).  Here’s why:

1. When the interviewer asked the question, “If you could change one thing about your body, what would you change?” I immediately made a list in my head of all the things I’d love to change about my body.
2. When the adults answered, I thought of more things I’d change, that I hadn’t originally thought of.
3. When he asked the kiddos that same question, I worried that they would say the same kinds of things that the adults and I were saying.
4. I was so relieved when they all said such wonderful things that had nothing to do with the size of their butt.

I hate that sometime between our childhood and our adulthood, we learn to hate ourselves. As I have stepped into this role of step-mom to two adorable little young men, I wondered what we can do to help them continue to want shark mouths rather than smaller ears.

I’m pretty sure that the key lies with us – their people. If the adults in their lives are constantly worrying about calories and fat, or are always on a diet, or talk about ourselves in negative ways, or refuse to go in the pool with them because we don’t like the way we look in a bathing suit, or talk about other people’s weight issues…we teach them that this is acceptable. So it is my job to love and accept myself and others, so that these boys that I am so lucky to get to help raise will love themselves and others. Easier said than done…but I’m determined to try.

Then, I read this amazing book – Fat Girl Walking. Whether you’re a man or a woman, whether you’re overweight now, or have never been overweight, or are somewhere in-between, you should read this book. It’s essentially a memoir, but it really is so much more. I laughed harder while reading it than I have laughed in a long time, and I cried while reading it more times than I want to admit. This is a book about a woman learning to love herself. Learning to accept herself, not IN SPITE of who she is, but BECAUSE of who she is. That is a gigantic distinction to me. I think my whole life, I’ve been trying to pretend like I don’t see the things I don’t like, rather than loving what I see. Brittany Gibbons (the author of this book and one of my personal heroes) is real. That is what MAKES this book. She puts it all out there – she didn’t deny how hard it was to get to this place, but she didn’t dwell there, and she doesn’t live there now, even though parts of society really want her to. She makes me want to figure out how to love myself, truly and completely, regardless of what size my damn pants are.

I have no idea how to do that.

The struggle for me lies here: I’ve gained weight since moving to Portland. I’ve also gained a husband and two step-sons. And somewhere along the way, I lost the drive to lose the weight. Don’t get me wrong – I know I “should”…but I also know exactly how hard it was to lose it in the first place, and that was while unattached, living my life exactly as I needed to in order to meet one goal: lose weight.  And now, while I do want to re-lose the weight I’ve gained, I don’t know how to do it in this new life.

This life is different on alternating weeks – half the time we are a family of four, the other, a family of two.

During the time that we are four, there are kiddos to cart to and fro, homework to manage, bedtimes to adhere to, cuddles to have, stories to listen to and to tell, owies to kiss, messes to clean, breakfasts and dinners to prepare, messes to clean, laundry to do, messes to clean, and a relationship with my wonderful husband to try to prioritize, and two little boys who watch my every move, and hang on my every word, and use those moves and words to determine their own. I don’t know know to fit the regimented eating habits I had instilled in myself into this life. I don’t know how to fit the gym into this schedule without sacrificing other things that I think are more important. I don’t know how to adjust my own food without adjusting theirs…and without them becoming concerned with calories, weight, or portion control. I want them to want shark mouths or elf ears…not thinner thighs or smaller arms (like I want). I want them to know what healthy food is, and appreciate all the amazing aspects of food, and not be afraid of food (like I am), or let food control their lives (like I do). I want them to listen to their tummies, and stop when they are full, not try to combat emptiness (or frustration, or sadness or anger or boredom) with food (like I do). I want them to love playing outside and getting dirty and sweaty, but never feel like exercise is a chore that must be accomplished (like I do). But, I don’t know how to teach them these things, because I still struggle with all of these things. I still have a terribly abusive and unhealthy relationship with food, and I still really hate “the gym”.

And on the other hand, I read the things Brittany Gibbons writes, and I see the things Tess Holiday is doing, and I’m now faced with another choice – to accept myself the way I am. To say “eff it” to the idea of worrying about losing weight or going back, and just donate all the clothes that don’t fit anymore, and go buy ones that do, rather than saving the things that don’t fit in a box for when I finally get my crap together. To stop looking at myself in the mirror in disgust and start being excited by what I see. I don’t know…can you do both? Love who you are, and at the same time, change who you are?

As an aside, my sweet husband is incredibly supportive. He loves me just the way I am, and always tries to encourage me to love the woman I am. I wish all the words he says to me and all the ways he loves me could just cancel out all the crap I say. And he’s right – I would never, ever say the things I say to myself, to anyone else. I am so cruel to myself…and it only makes the problem worse.

So I’m stuck. Part of me wants to lose the weight again, because having gained it makes me feel like a gigantic failure…but I have no idea how to lose the weight and keep living the life I’m living – I basically lost weight in a vacuum last time – and part of me wants to just say, “eff it!” and embrace being fat.