My theme for 2021 was “Strong back. Soft front. Wild heart”. There were times when I forgot. But as I look over my year, I see these words all over my 2021.
This year doesn’t feel like a year to make resolutions. This feels like a year to review, and find the good. I’d like to challenge you all to look back over your year – look at your social media posts, your events, memories…and see if you can find 21 good things. And don’t forget…good doesn’t have to mean happy. Good can mean change, good can be struggles, good can be joy, or even sadness…because all of these things help us grow. Growth doesn’t always feel “good”…but it’s always good. So, here’s my list. What’s on yours?
- I took a risk and started a small business. She’s currently on hiatus, but not dead. And I learned so much!
- New friends. I managed to make new friends, even in this wild, socially distanced year. If you joined my circle this year, you’re special to me. You matter. You changed me. You saved me. Thank you.
- Science. Thank you vaccines.
- Apocalyptic snow storms. During this snow storm I discovered resilience – I can survive without electricity. For a few days. I allowed people to help me. I took a whole shit-load of treats that couldn’t make it to their destinations and brought my neighbors joy. And during that snow storm, I met someone who changed my life, forever.
- Beautiful body adornments. I love my tattoo artist/friend, and I love how she is able to take my pretty words and turn them into beautiful, deeply meaningful artwork that I get to carry around on my body and share with the world.
- I became a plant mom, and didn’t kill any of them! I love having plants in my house!
- I read a lot of great books…but the one that changed me the most was Untamed. And I started to see that I was meant to be a goddamned cheetah.
- I took SO. MANY. WALKS. And as the seasons changed, I got to see a neighborhood I’ve lived in, but never really LIVED IN, in so many ways. I saw it blanketed in snow (sometimes from my ass after slipping). I saw it as spring bloomed, bringing so many beautiful colors. I saw it as summer came – first with amazing warmth and greenery, and then with unbelievable, sweltering heat. I saw it as the leaves changed giving way to fall, and now we are back to winter – cold and everything seems dead. But seasons remind me that nothing is forever. In the lows, we will always rise. And from the highs, we will always fall again. Appreciating the highs and learning from the lows, and trusting that the spring will always come again was a beautiful reminder.
- I made mistakes and was reminded that people do that. I didn’t lose a friend over it. I didn’t die. I made a mistake. It was pointed out. I apologized. We moved on. Let’s normalize being HUMAN. It’s so much easier that trying to be perfect.
- Social movements like Black Lives Matter came to the forefront. For all the wrong reasons. We shouldn’t need these movements. People shouldn’t have to die because of their race, religion, sexual orientation or gender. And they do. And everything is still broken. And there are people who are working towards change. And there were a few lights in the dark, where people were held accountable. Is it enough? Not even close. But it’s a start.
- I took time to evaluate my own white privilege. It was humbling and painful and necessary. And the process changed the way I look at the world and exist in it.
- I practiced self care. I took bubble baths, and did face masks. I improved my abilities to give myself pedicures. I allowed myself to rest when I needed it.
- I discovered a beautiful morning coffee routine. Before starting my work day…before even getting out of my pajamas, I pad into the kitchen in my socks and pjs, and use two of the kindest gifts I’ve ever received (a fancy bean grinder and an espresso machine) to make myself a simple morning coffee. Every time I pull a shot, or smell the intoxicating scent of the freshly ground beans, I’m grateful for friends who became family. Sitting on the porch enjoying my coffee, sometimes in solitude with my coffee and music (or tiktok), and sometimes including visits from neighbors, friends, loves, or dogs. It became my favorite way to start my day. It was sometimes…the best part of the day.
- I bought myself flowers. A lot. Farmers market flowers in Portland bring me joy. I didn’t need someone else to bring them (though it would be lovely) – I could bring myself beauty and joy. And there’s strength in that.
- I did A LOT of work in therapy. I worked on being vulnerable. I worked to understand more about who I am, why I am, and how to change, if I want to.
- I took solo hikes and hikes with friends. I took photos, and was so immersed in the beauty of my surroundings that I forgot to. I cried and laughed on these trails. I felt alive and dead, full and empty. I listened to the sound of my own heart.
- I went to the beautiful Oregon coast – alone and together. I ate delicious things, and walked barefoot in the sand and water. I inhaled the salty ocean air and exhaled fear and pain.
- I listened to amazing podcasts and music, and was even invited to be ON one of my favorite podcasts as a guest.
- I got to see my mom/aunts/uncles/cousins/friends in Arizona for the first time in nearly two years. Hugs were had, laughs were shared, and loves were reconnected.
- I met someone who always holds space for me. Always reminds me that I’m human. Sits in silence with me when I don’t want to talk about it, and listens when I do. Laughs at my silliness but never at me, and makes me laugh when I think I can’t even breathe. Someone who will drop everything they’re doing when I’m so sad I think I may break, and comes to sit in silence with me until I don’t feel so broken. Someone who sees me EXACTLY as I am, and somehow, is still here. I am forever grateful.
- After 42 years of life, and 32 years of questioning and knowing but not believing, of trying to fit into the boxes I thought I was supposed to live in…I came out. I took an inventory of my life, and saw VERY clearly that I’ve always loved women. I fought it. I wondered why I felt like I never fit. Why I struggled in so many aspects of my life. And while recognizing this about myself and living in my truth and authenticity hasn’t been easy…it has been one of the most fulfilling, joyful, explosive, beautiful things I’ve ever done for myself.
2022 is certain to throw us more challenges. That’s every year. Every day. Every moment. But that’s being alive. I haven’t always been grateful to be alive. But what I’ve learned from the last year (and the last 42 years) is that I’m grateful for the opportunities for challenges. I’m grateful for the chance to change and grow. I’m hopeful and optimistic for the future. And while I’m under no delusion that there will be hard things…I know that we can do hard things. And those hard things are ALWAYS worth it. So, bring it on, 2022. I’m here for all the hard things.
moving around the rocks 